It's been awhile, I know. I've been struggling for multiple reasons, but mostly because of this...
Relationships are hard. Some are super hard. And then some of the super hard ones are even a million times harder. I would frankly just love to run away from those kind of relationships and never look back and yet, because of certain life circumstances, I'm just not able.
I have been hurt beyond repair in this particular relationship. I've chosen to forgive, even perhaps trust a little again, only to be hurt all over again, and again, and again. It's exhausting.
This would be the reason that I struggle. The reason I can't bring myself to even read my Bible or utter more than a prayer of thanks for our food. I'm being stubborn. I'm being disobedient because I actually think that it's better than what God would ask of me. I so badly want to hold onto my hurt, anger, and resentment because letting it go, giving in, and forgiving feels like I'm saying, "You're right. You win." I feel like it makes what was said and done, okay.
And I don't need a lecture on forgiveness or letting go, because I know. Do I ever know. In fact, this week I did actually get out my Bible knowing what I needed to do to get to where I truly want to be which is in a right relationship with God. And guess what? I mean, you shouldn't be surprised, because I sure wasn't... I opened up my Bible to this passage: "But if you are willing to listen, I say love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you."
So guess what I did? Shut my bible. Ha! Like that makes it any less true, or directed at me, right? But I did. That's not what I wanted to hear, to pray for the happiness of those that hurt me. Do you know how badly I was hurt?
So back I go to Jesus, who is the truth, the truth that sets me free. And He DIED for ME. For my sins, all my sins, past, present, and future. He also died for my enemies too.
And today, I read in my bible this passage, "...you must be even more careful to put into action God's saving work in your lives, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases Him." Well, thank you God for that. I knew it was Him working in me giving me the desire to obey Him with this issue (there is NO way that desire came from me :)), and I'm so so thankful that I can only do it by His power.
And so, one day (maybe more like one minute) at a time, I will choose to follow that desire to obey God and rely on His power to do what pleases Him. And pray desperately that each time I must come face to face with this relationship in our lives that I don't have a true panic attack.
Next time will be a more positive note, just needed to get that off of my chest.
doing life together...
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Monday, November 14, 2011
You've Got Some Explaining to Do
Ok, so as I lay awake that night on the retreat trying to sort out this idea that I believe was from the Holy Spirit, I wrestled with my doubts and fears concerning stepping out in obedience. Questions like this, "What if it doesn't work?" and "What if the results aren't big enough?" and, "Is this really from you God?" played over and over again in my mind until I eventually fell asleep.
But I came home from the retreat determined to obey, the sooner the better. So I sat at my computer and created an "event" on Facebook (good 'ol Facebook)!
I have worked for a doctor now for 13 years (of course on and off between children etc., but in some capacity for the entire 13 years). I love him deeply, like family. He does not follow Jesus. My heart has ached for his salvation for years, and I have regularly asked God to save him. Over the years there have been very few opportunities (well, ones that I've taken) to share the Good News with him but I have always maintained that the best way for me (HA! like it's up to me!) to save him would be through relationship and him seeing me live it. After Carly was born and I essentially gave up my position at his office (I still do his billing), a beautiful young Christian woman named Sue was hired in my place. Even now typing it out, it's amazing to see back over the years and see God's intentional placement of people and circumstances in his life... incredible!
Anyway, back a month or so ago now, this young woman told me of how she had purchased a used vehicle off of craigslist, and to make a long story short, it ended up the vehicle had been stolen prior to her purchasing it and she had lost not only the vehicle, but all of the money ($6100) she had saved to purchase it. She also was working hard to pay for most of her upcoming summer wedding.
The event was titled, "Live in such a way that demands a gospel explanation." The idea was to collect as much money as I could from friends, relatives, and patients at the doctor's office who were Christians to help pay for a new car for Sue. I knew that it would bless the socks off of Sue, but I was hoping that there would be no other explanation for the "gift" than the gospel.
In the midst of all of this, I felt such a need to hit the floor on our (Brad's and mine) knees to bring our financial situation to God's feet. We had confessed our sin in how we had handled the resources God had given us, but it never had freed us from the worry over what we were going to do about it. And as I talked it over with Brad we began to see how even though we knew we had already been forgiven, we somehow still wallowed in this pit of self-pity and guilt... something that was definitely not from God. And so we've daily been giving our situation over to God in prayer and asking for His guidance and direction as to what we can practically do about it.
I was also reminded too of the importance of listening prayer, something I do not do often enough! After we prayed the first night, we spent some time just listening to what the Holy Spirit would have us hear. Clear as a bell, God brought a verse to my mind... Isaiah 55:9 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so are my thoughts higher than your thoughts, and my ways higher than your ways. Wow. What a way to fall asleep... God just told us.
As the week went on, donations kept coming in for this "event". It was exciting for me to see God work in the hearts of His people to give. And although I was excited, I worried. I didn't think I had enough money yet for this to be a "wow" thing. One morning in the shower as I was praying, God brought another very familiar verse to my mind. Be still and know that I AM GOD. Such a good reminder in light of our finances, and this "event". I went to my computer as usual that same morning to check email and facebook, and wouldn't you know it? TWO of my friends statuses on my news feed were quotes of that same verse. Well, there goes the doubt if that verse was really from you God!
Twice over the next week God brought different people to mind that I hadn't thought of to invite to this "event"... one I even doubted as this person was not at all close to the situation or even knew Sue or the doctor, and so I let it go. The very next day there was a message from this person in my inbox... okay God, I might be a little slow, but I think I'm beginning to recognize your voice a little better. I invited both of these people brought to mind and with stories too long to write, they gave cheerfully.
As the time was drawing to a close I still worried about the amount. Silly me.
Just over a week after I created this "event" I walked in to the office, in God's PERFECT timing and handed Sue a cheque for $5035!! She was overwhelmed to say the least. It was super fun to hear her call all her family and friends to tell them the good news, but what was even better, was to be able to verbalize to her and my boss what a huge God thing this was.
And then. My boss looked at me and said, "Who are you?"
Well, if that question doesn't demand a gospel explanation, I don't know what does!
I wish I could say that I answered the question right then and there with words given to me by the Holy Spirit, but I didn't. The words didn't come, and not because I was fearful, because I wasn't.
So the next day, I sent an email to my boss answering this question with the gospel laid out plain and simple. And you know what? For once in my life I was SO excited to hit that send button. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous, but I was just so thrilled to be able to share with him this truly Good News.
At church yesterday our pastor said something that sums up a lot of what I've been trying to sort out for myself in all of this, it was, "If the gospel is to be good news to the world, it must first be to you, the best news you've ever heard." And that is why to some extent I feel like a new Christian... the gospel is, to me, truly the best news... why would I not want to share that?
I wanted to add too, that in all of our financial struggles this past year, I've really felt that my ability to give joyfully was taken away. I'm a giver by nature, and I think giving is one of my spiritual gifts, but because we just didn't have the means, it has hurt to not be able to be my generous self. I can't say that I've fully 'arrived' yet, but God has shown me that sometimes my reasons for being generous or giving has stemmed from a need for acceptance from people and how that doesn't at all line up with the gospel... that Jesus is enough.
But God gave me a gift when He allowed me to be the 'giver' so to speak, of this gift to Sue. It was honestly the best gift I've ever been able to give, and none of it really came from me! That He allowed me to experience the joy of giving was just so incredible to me.
More to come on why I wouldn't trade in our financial issues for the lessons we are learning along the way...
But I came home from the retreat determined to obey, the sooner the better. So I sat at my computer and created an "event" on Facebook (good 'ol Facebook)!
I have worked for a doctor now for 13 years (of course on and off between children etc., but in some capacity for the entire 13 years). I love him deeply, like family. He does not follow Jesus. My heart has ached for his salvation for years, and I have regularly asked God to save him. Over the years there have been very few opportunities (well, ones that I've taken) to share the Good News with him but I have always maintained that the best way for me (HA! like it's up to me!) to save him would be through relationship and him seeing me live it. After Carly was born and I essentially gave up my position at his office (I still do his billing), a beautiful young Christian woman named Sue was hired in my place. Even now typing it out, it's amazing to see back over the years and see God's intentional placement of people and circumstances in his life... incredible!
Anyway, back a month or so ago now, this young woman told me of how she had purchased a used vehicle off of craigslist, and to make a long story short, it ended up the vehicle had been stolen prior to her purchasing it and she had lost not only the vehicle, but all of the money ($6100) she had saved to purchase it. She also was working hard to pay for most of her upcoming summer wedding.
The event was titled, "Live in such a way that demands a gospel explanation." The idea was to collect as much money as I could from friends, relatives, and patients at the doctor's office who were Christians to help pay for a new car for Sue. I knew that it would bless the socks off of Sue, but I was hoping that there would be no other explanation for the "gift" than the gospel.
In the midst of all of this, I felt such a need to hit the floor on our (Brad's and mine) knees to bring our financial situation to God's feet. We had confessed our sin in how we had handled the resources God had given us, but it never had freed us from the worry over what we were going to do about it. And as I talked it over with Brad we began to see how even though we knew we had already been forgiven, we somehow still wallowed in this pit of self-pity and guilt... something that was definitely not from God. And so we've daily been giving our situation over to God in prayer and asking for His guidance and direction as to what we can practically do about it.
I was also reminded too of the importance of listening prayer, something I do not do often enough! After we prayed the first night, we spent some time just listening to what the Holy Spirit would have us hear. Clear as a bell, God brought a verse to my mind... Isaiah 55:9 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so are my thoughts higher than your thoughts, and my ways higher than your ways. Wow. What a way to fall asleep... God just told us.
As the week went on, donations kept coming in for this "event". It was exciting for me to see God work in the hearts of His people to give. And although I was excited, I worried. I didn't think I had enough money yet for this to be a "wow" thing. One morning in the shower as I was praying, God brought another very familiar verse to my mind. Be still and know that I AM GOD. Such a good reminder in light of our finances, and this "event". I went to my computer as usual that same morning to check email and facebook, and wouldn't you know it? TWO of my friends statuses on my news feed were quotes of that same verse. Well, there goes the doubt if that verse was really from you God!
Twice over the next week God brought different people to mind that I hadn't thought of to invite to this "event"... one I even doubted as this person was not at all close to the situation or even knew Sue or the doctor, and so I let it go. The very next day there was a message from this person in my inbox... okay God, I might be a little slow, but I think I'm beginning to recognize your voice a little better. I invited both of these people brought to mind and with stories too long to write, they gave cheerfully.
As the time was drawing to a close I still worried about the amount. Silly me.
Just over a week after I created this "event" I walked in to the office, in God's PERFECT timing and handed Sue a cheque for $5035!! She was overwhelmed to say the least. It was super fun to hear her call all her family and friends to tell them the good news, but what was even better, was to be able to verbalize to her and my boss what a huge God thing this was.
And then. My boss looked at me and said, "Who are you?"
Well, if that question doesn't demand a gospel explanation, I don't know what does!
I wish I could say that I answered the question right then and there with words given to me by the Holy Spirit, but I didn't. The words didn't come, and not because I was fearful, because I wasn't.
So the next day, I sent an email to my boss answering this question with the gospel laid out plain and simple. And you know what? For once in my life I was SO excited to hit that send button. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous, but I was just so thrilled to be able to share with him this truly Good News.
At church yesterday our pastor said something that sums up a lot of what I've been trying to sort out for myself in all of this, it was, "If the gospel is to be good news to the world, it must first be to you, the best news you've ever heard." And that is why to some extent I feel like a new Christian... the gospel is, to me, truly the best news... why would I not want to share that?
I wanted to add too, that in all of our financial struggles this past year, I've really felt that my ability to give joyfully was taken away. I'm a giver by nature, and I think giving is one of my spiritual gifts, but because we just didn't have the means, it has hurt to not be able to be my generous self. I can't say that I've fully 'arrived' yet, but God has shown me that sometimes my reasons for being generous or giving has stemmed from a need for acceptance from people and how that doesn't at all line up with the gospel... that Jesus is enough.
But God gave me a gift when He allowed me to be the 'giver' so to speak, of this gift to Sue. It was honestly the best gift I've ever been able to give, and none of it really came from me! That He allowed me to experience the joy of giving was just so incredible to me.
More to come on why I wouldn't trade in our financial issues for the lessons we are learning along the way...
Friday, November 11, 2011
Okay, point number two, and really there were so many that stood out from the retreat weekend... I have pages of notes to prove it, but the second point that really struck a cord with me was this...
"Live in such a way that demands a gospel explanation."
I think what I took away from this, is that I was living my Christian life "by the book" so to speak. In recent sermons at church, I learned that just doing enough or obeying the law is just that, enough. But Jesus called us to go above, not just tithe our 10%, but give all that we have. Not just let a man take our shirt, but offer him our coat as well and the list goes on.
So I realized nothing that I was doing (at least in my eyes) would need a further explanation than the fact that I was raised by great parents, and I'm just one of those really nice people who really has no problem obeying the law, and avoiding major sins. We all know really nice people who give, help, volunteer, etc. who are not Christians, so really, what would ever set me apart? What would cause people to examine my life and really not come up with a good explanation for how I lived, or really, who I was?
It was the last day of the retreat when after our morning session we had some personal quiet time, and I went to my room, got on my knees, and told God that I wanted Him to truly have His way in my life. That I was tired of doing "just enough" and I was done being afraid of what He might ask me to surrender, after all, didn't Jesus say that at the acceptance of His great gift to us, that all He demanded from us was our lives?? My life in sooo many ways looked pretty much like it belonged to me and I was/am SO ready for that to change. Everyone say "aha!"
To quote another passage from my Bible study book...
"Many experience the desire to follow God in a specific action only to have their desire swallowed up by laziness, greed, or fear. The Holy Spirit-inspired action remains undone because we delayed in its immediate application.
Merely desiring to do something for the Lord and actually doing something are two very different things. Latent and unfulfilled desires may either result in disobedience or a hindrance to our walk with the Lord."
I think this is exactly where I was at, desiring to do something for God, but always allowing laziness, greed, or fear to get in the way.
As I tried (in vain) to fall asleep on the last night of the retreat, I couldn't get away from thoughts around this "gospel explanation" topic. The Holy Spirit planted an idea in my brain that kept me awake for a couple of hours and the story that has since unfolded is an amazing testament to the goodness of God. Stay tuned.
It's incredible to see God work in my life through one event, but part of the "spaghetti" is that He has woven SO many things together to be working in my life for the same purposes and it is truly thrilling. Our church, my Monday morning Bible study, our Life Group, conversations with friends, and so much more... And what's even better, is to hear that God is working in the lives of close friends totally unrelated to what is happening with me, but all with similar direction and message. It really is so much more exciting that the most exciting Friday night plans I could think of (which sometimes actually consists of an early bedtime) to be experiencing God at work, and even getting to be used by Him too!
Hopefully I will do the 'unraveling' justice as I get my thoughts out here...
"Live in such a way that demands a gospel explanation."
I think what I took away from this, is that I was living my Christian life "by the book" so to speak. In recent sermons at church, I learned that just doing enough or obeying the law is just that, enough. But Jesus called us to go above, not just tithe our 10%, but give all that we have. Not just let a man take our shirt, but offer him our coat as well and the list goes on.
So I realized nothing that I was doing (at least in my eyes) would need a further explanation than the fact that I was raised by great parents, and I'm just one of those really nice people who really has no problem obeying the law, and avoiding major sins. We all know really nice people who give, help, volunteer, etc. who are not Christians, so really, what would ever set me apart? What would cause people to examine my life and really not come up with a good explanation for how I lived, or really, who I was?
It was the last day of the retreat when after our morning session we had some personal quiet time, and I went to my room, got on my knees, and told God that I wanted Him to truly have His way in my life. That I was tired of doing "just enough" and I was done being afraid of what He might ask me to surrender, after all, didn't Jesus say that at the acceptance of His great gift to us, that all He demanded from us was our lives?? My life in sooo many ways looked pretty much like it belonged to me and I was/am SO ready for that to change. Everyone say "aha!"
To quote another passage from my Bible study book...
"Many experience the desire to follow God in a specific action only to have their desire swallowed up by laziness, greed, or fear. The Holy Spirit-inspired action remains undone because we delayed in its immediate application.
Merely desiring to do something for the Lord and actually doing something are two very different things. Latent and unfulfilled desires may either result in disobedience or a hindrance to our walk with the Lord."
I think this is exactly where I was at, desiring to do something for God, but always allowing laziness, greed, or fear to get in the way.
As I tried (in vain) to fall asleep on the last night of the retreat, I couldn't get away from thoughts around this "gospel explanation" topic. The Holy Spirit planted an idea in my brain that kept me awake for a couple of hours and the story that has since unfolded is an amazing testament to the goodness of God. Stay tuned.
It's incredible to see God work in my life through one event, but part of the "spaghetti" is that He has woven SO many things together to be working in my life for the same purposes and it is truly thrilling. Our church, my Monday morning Bible study, our Life Group, conversations with friends, and so much more... And what's even better, is to hear that God is working in the lives of close friends totally unrelated to what is happening with me, but all with similar direction and message. It really is so much more exciting that the most exciting Friday night plans I could think of (which sometimes actually consists of an early bedtime) to be experiencing God at work, and even getting to be used by Him too!
Hopefully I will do the 'unraveling' justice as I get my thoughts out here...
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Before I get to the "aha" (for lack of a better term) moment, I will just give you some "life at the moment" background.
Life is pretty good in the Toews house. Brad and I have a great marriage, not without it's issues and ups and downs, but we can honestly call each other best friend, and we are a team in everything. Our kids are pretty good kids too which I'm sure is all by God's grace to them and to us! We love our home, our church community, have wonderful friends, and in general do not "want" for much... we float through life feeling pretty good about taking care of everything all by ourselves (dun, dun, dun... foreshadow alert).
Last year after making some pretty poor choices and listening to advice without doing our homework, we got to the end of Brad's first full year of self-employment without NEARLY enough money in the bank to pay for our taxes. We have spent this whole year paying off that tax bill without having the money to set aside for this year's taxes and also pay our living expenses, so we find ourselves at the end of what feels like a LooooonG year right back in the same situation, without a lot of hope to see an end in the near future. We've spent a good portion of this year feeling ashamed and embarrassed about the hole we found ourselves in the bottom of, shovels in hand. We even felt each in our own way that we couldn't possibly rely on God, or even dare ask for His help because our situation was of our own doing! Stay tuned for how God is working in this situation!
A couple of weeks ago we were booked to go to a Life Group leader's retreat with our church. I was on the planning committee and was assigned the job of some welcome baskets to put in the rooms before the guests arrived. Friday morning I was up early, cleaned the house, packed all of the kids things for a weekend away at Auntie Kristin's... only to discover just hours before we were supposed to leave that both Sarah and Carly had fevers. Try as we might to find a solution that didn't involve exposing Kristin's kids to a virus but also involved both of us going to the retreat, we couldn't. I thought, "Fine, we'll both just stay home." I really didn't want to go without Brad. But, the welcome baskets, and my friend Kelly, both needed to get to the retreat center early, and of course there didn't seem to be another option for that that involved me staying home. I left that afternoon certain that I'd just drive up and then turn around and come right back home. I had some words with God.
On the drive up, as much as I didn't want to hear it, I felt God saying, "I want you there. Trust me." It was hard for me to think that God would want me there without Brad though... you know how hard it is to convey things you've heard and experienced at something like that to someone who wasn't there?? So stay I did. I had a wonderful weekend, weird as it was to be in a hotel room all to myself!
It was away on that weekend, that I heard/read some things that really resonated in my heart and came to a much bigger understanding of what my acceptance of what Jesus did on the cross means for me. The speaker was from Soma communities in Tacoma, WA. He talked about how they "do church", living in close community with other believers, serving and giving in extravagant ways, and seeing others won to Christ regularly. What he spoke about echoed in so many ways the things I've felt for a long time God wanted from me.
Two things specifically stood out, and I think were the catalyst for a decision I made on our last day at the retreat. One of them was, "God didn't save you for yourself, but for what you can do for Him." Ephesians 2:8-10 says... God saved you by his special favor when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.
I realized that even though my head believed that confessed sin was forgiven sin, that God loves me based solely on what Jesus did for me, and that HE is the power to save, I've lived my life with my head hanging down, never feeling like I was good enough, always thinking I had to try harder, read my Bible more, pray more, to truly realize God's power in my life. My heart simply didn't factor in. I think that Satan has fed me lie after lie to the point where I think I tell them to myself and don't even recognize them as lies anymore. In truth, I was living my Christian life, all about me. But the truth of God's word spoke loud and clear to me and I finally realized that the gospel, the good news is true for me. The gospel message has power, and purpose. For me. God loves me based solely on what Jesus did for me. I can be absolutely CONFIDENT in the grace of God. What. absolute. freedom. And my purpose, is to do "the good things he planned for me long ago." Not on my own strength or for my own glory, but by His, and for His.
Reading this back, I don't know if my words adequately express the way the truth in God's word have absolutely cut through to my heart and that I've truly realized my salvation in a new way. Talking to Brad this week, the best way I could describe it was that I feel like a new Christian. I feel like if I were to share my testimony (oh, wait, I guess this is part of it, right?) that my story now has that moment of a life-altering realization of the truth... something I've always felt was missing from my "grew up in a Christian home, asked Jesus into my heart when I was 5" story. And now, my heart is SO in.
I'll save number two for tomorrow...
Life is pretty good in the Toews house. Brad and I have a great marriage, not without it's issues and ups and downs, but we can honestly call each other best friend, and we are a team in everything. Our kids are pretty good kids too which I'm sure is all by God's grace to them and to us! We love our home, our church community, have wonderful friends, and in general do not "want" for much... we float through life feeling pretty good about taking care of everything all by ourselves (dun, dun, dun... foreshadow alert).
Last year after making some pretty poor choices and listening to advice without doing our homework, we got to the end of Brad's first full year of self-employment without NEARLY enough money in the bank to pay for our taxes. We have spent this whole year paying off that tax bill without having the money to set aside for this year's taxes and also pay our living expenses, so we find ourselves at the end of what feels like a LooooonG year right back in the same situation, without a lot of hope to see an end in the near future. We've spent a good portion of this year feeling ashamed and embarrassed about the hole we found ourselves in the bottom of, shovels in hand. We even felt each in our own way that we couldn't possibly rely on God, or even dare ask for His help because our situation was of our own doing! Stay tuned for how God is working in this situation!
A couple of weeks ago we were booked to go to a Life Group leader's retreat with our church. I was on the planning committee and was assigned the job of some welcome baskets to put in the rooms before the guests arrived. Friday morning I was up early, cleaned the house, packed all of the kids things for a weekend away at Auntie Kristin's... only to discover just hours before we were supposed to leave that both Sarah and Carly had fevers. Try as we might to find a solution that didn't involve exposing Kristin's kids to a virus but also involved both of us going to the retreat, we couldn't. I thought, "Fine, we'll both just stay home." I really didn't want to go without Brad. But, the welcome baskets, and my friend Kelly, both needed to get to the retreat center early, and of course there didn't seem to be another option for that that involved me staying home. I left that afternoon certain that I'd just drive up and then turn around and come right back home. I had some words with God.
On the drive up, as much as I didn't want to hear it, I felt God saying, "I want you there. Trust me." It was hard for me to think that God would want me there without Brad though... you know how hard it is to convey things you've heard and experienced at something like that to someone who wasn't there?? So stay I did. I had a wonderful weekend, weird as it was to be in a hotel room all to myself!
It was away on that weekend, that I heard/read some things that really resonated in my heart and came to a much bigger understanding of what my acceptance of what Jesus did on the cross means for me. The speaker was from Soma communities in Tacoma, WA. He talked about how they "do church", living in close community with other believers, serving and giving in extravagant ways, and seeing others won to Christ regularly. What he spoke about echoed in so many ways the things I've felt for a long time God wanted from me.
Two things specifically stood out, and I think were the catalyst for a decision I made on our last day at the retreat. One of them was, "God didn't save you for yourself, but for what you can do for Him." Ephesians 2:8-10 says... God saved you by his special favor when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.
I realized that even though my head believed that confessed sin was forgiven sin, that God loves me based solely on what Jesus did for me, and that HE is the power to save, I've lived my life with my head hanging down, never feeling like I was good enough, always thinking I had to try harder, read my Bible more, pray more, to truly realize God's power in my life. My heart simply didn't factor in. I think that Satan has fed me lie after lie to the point where I think I tell them to myself and don't even recognize them as lies anymore. In truth, I was living my Christian life, all about me. But the truth of God's word spoke loud and clear to me and I finally realized that the gospel, the good news is true for me. The gospel message has power, and purpose. For me. God loves me based solely on what Jesus did for me. I can be absolutely CONFIDENT in the grace of God. What. absolute. freedom. And my purpose, is to do "the good things he planned for me long ago." Not on my own strength or for my own glory, but by His, and for His.
Reading this back, I don't know if my words adequately express the way the truth in God's word have absolutely cut through to my heart and that I've truly realized my salvation in a new way. Talking to Brad this week, the best way I could describe it was that I feel like a new Christian. I feel like if I were to share my testimony (oh, wait, I guess this is part of it, right?) that my story now has that moment of a life-altering realization of the truth... something I've always felt was missing from my "grew up in a Christian home, asked Jesus into my heart when I was 5" story. And now, my heart is SO in.
I'll save number two for tomorrow...
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
In the Beginning...
I was raised by wonderful parents who modeled Christ in a secure, loving home. I asked Jesus to come into my heart at the age of 5 with all the childlike faith and understanding I could muster. We went to church, did family devotions, prayed together after dinner, spent a year in South America doing a short-term missions trip, and I watched my parents serve in the church (usually in multiple capacities) and show hospitality to anyone and everyone.
I think as a child I asked Jesus into my heart almost daily, just to make sure, for sure, for sure, that I did not end up in hell.
As a teen I was involved in youth group at our church. Those years are FULL of fun memories, not the least of which are the times spent at summer camp. It was one summer in grade 8 (I think) that I rededicated my life to God and decided I'd do everything in my power to have a better relationship with Him.
At the end of the summer the year I was 16 I was baptized after summer camp... making a public declaration of my death to self, raised in Christ.
Although I went through the motions, had great times of daily time spent with God, was super motivated at other times to pray and motivate the church to revival etc., the roller coaster always came whizzing down the last big drop to a stop at the bottom, and I was always left feeling discontent.
I have to mention too, that I've always thought that Jesus' words were quite literal. I never read the Bible and thought, "Well, for our stage of life, in our culture, those words probably mean... (enter whatever explanation appropriate)." I actually often felt that people could so easily justify their actions/thinking based upon their own interpretation of the Bible. That is not to say that there is no room for interpretation, but when Jesus said, take care of the orphans and widows, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what he meant! I often felt out numbered, even in my Christian circles.
Fast forward through the ups and downs of my relationship with God until probably two years ago now. I read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan followed by several others based on similar principles/thoughts over the last couple of years. I felt so inspired after reading these books, wanting my life to look different in a better way. BUT, I was often too afraid of what God might ask of me, especially in the form of "giving things up." And, how radically different my life might look to my Christian friends.
I felt especially challenged by a Francis Chan sermon I listened to about the kingdom of God and how it should mean more to you than your own family or any thing you possess... based on the story of the man who sold everything he owned to buy the piece of land where he had found a priceless treasure. But still I woke up day after day, my life in general looking exactly the same as it had the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that. Sure I loved God and desired a closer relationship with Him, wanting to show others Christ's love and raise my kids to follow Jesus, but something was not clicking... It's like the paragraph I quoted in my previous post... I was living my Christian life, not actually believing that the truth in the Bible was actually for me. That when God looks at me, He sees Jesus because He lives in me, and that when He gave me the gift of the Holy Spirit, that I have access to unlimited resources and power, not having to rely on my own strength or abilities to accomplish what He might ask of me.
Stay tuned for my "aha" moment...
I think as a child I asked Jesus into my heart almost daily, just to make sure, for sure, for sure, that I did not end up in hell.
As a teen I was involved in youth group at our church. Those years are FULL of fun memories, not the least of which are the times spent at summer camp. It was one summer in grade 8 (I think) that I rededicated my life to God and decided I'd do everything in my power to have a better relationship with Him.
At the end of the summer the year I was 16 I was baptized after summer camp... making a public declaration of my death to self, raised in Christ.
Although I went through the motions, had great times of daily time spent with God, was super motivated at other times to pray and motivate the church to revival etc., the roller coaster always came whizzing down the last big drop to a stop at the bottom, and I was always left feeling discontent.
I have to mention too, that I've always thought that Jesus' words were quite literal. I never read the Bible and thought, "Well, for our stage of life, in our culture, those words probably mean... (enter whatever explanation appropriate)." I actually often felt that people could so easily justify their actions/thinking based upon their own interpretation of the Bible. That is not to say that there is no room for interpretation, but when Jesus said, take care of the orphans and widows, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what he meant! I often felt out numbered, even in my Christian circles.
Fast forward through the ups and downs of my relationship with God until probably two years ago now. I read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan followed by several others based on similar principles/thoughts over the last couple of years. I felt so inspired after reading these books, wanting my life to look different in a better way. BUT, I was often too afraid of what God might ask of me, especially in the form of "giving things up." And, how radically different my life might look to my Christian friends.
I felt especially challenged by a Francis Chan sermon I listened to about the kingdom of God and how it should mean more to you than your own family or any thing you possess... based on the story of the man who sold everything he owned to buy the piece of land where he had found a priceless treasure. But still I woke up day after day, my life in general looking exactly the same as it had the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that. Sure I loved God and desired a closer relationship with Him, wanting to show others Christ's love and raise my kids to follow Jesus, but something was not clicking... It's like the paragraph I quoted in my previous post... I was living my Christian life, not actually believing that the truth in the Bible was actually for me. That when God looks at me, He sees Jesus because He lives in me, and that when He gave me the gift of the Holy Spirit, that I have access to unlimited resources and power, not having to rely on my own strength or abilities to accomplish what He might ask of me.
Stay tuned for my "aha" moment...
Monday, November 7, 2011
spaghetti
The best way to describe what God is doing in my life is a plate of spaghetti. Ok, maybe people with more wit and intelligence would figure out a better way, but that's what comes to my mind... mmmm, spaghetti... ok, I digress.
Over the past couple of months, and especially the last few weeks, God has been working... not that He isn't always working, but to be blunt, I feel like I've just been saved. Honestly. I have lived 29 years as a Christian, a follower of Jesus, and yet I was missing something. The best way to describe that, is to quote a paragraph from a Bible study that I'm doing with some girlfriends...
A person can walk with God, talk with Him, pray to Him, serve Him and be in church sitting on the pew learning about Him, but not trust God with her life. A girl can fail to believe what He can do for her even when she's heard and maybe even seen what God can do for other people. She can learn about God but not really believe it's all true for her. (Faithful Abundant True... Priscilla Shirer)
I think I finally believe that it's all true for ME! I. trust. God. with. my. life.
Anyway, back to the spaghetti... what I'm learning and experiencing in my life right now cannot be separated into stories or boxes, or, for the sake of this aptly titled blog post, noodles. It is however, all intertwined and uniquely tangled. It's difficult for me to convey even part of the story without telling the whole thing because even though the individual stories are great on their own, one can only be more in awe of God and His power and goodness if you hear the whole thing... problem is, the story keeps getting better and better, and it also doesn't end!
Next post will be the beginning...
Over the past couple of months, and especially the last few weeks, God has been working... not that He isn't always working, but to be blunt, I feel like I've just been saved. Honestly. I have lived 29 years as a Christian, a follower of Jesus, and yet I was missing something. The best way to describe that, is to quote a paragraph from a Bible study that I'm doing with some girlfriends...
A person can walk with God, talk with Him, pray to Him, serve Him and be in church sitting on the pew learning about Him, but not trust God with her life. A girl can fail to believe what He can do for her even when she's heard and maybe even seen what God can do for other people. She can learn about God but not really believe it's all true for her. (Faithful Abundant True... Priscilla Shirer)
I think I finally believe that it's all true for ME! I. trust. God. with. my. life.
Anyway, back to the spaghetti... what I'm learning and experiencing in my life right now cannot be separated into stories or boxes, or, for the sake of this aptly titled blog post, noodles. It is however, all intertwined and uniquely tangled. It's difficult for me to convey even part of the story without telling the whole thing because even though the individual stories are great on their own, one can only be more in awe of God and His power and goodness if you hear the whole thing... problem is, the story keeps getting better and better, and it also doesn't end!
Next post will be the beginning...
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Warming Up
Halloween has always been one of those "issues" for us. We are never quite sure how much we should "celebrate" or not. In years past we have trick or treated with the kids, stayed home and had a movie night, and gone to a friend's house for a party and candy hunt for the kids.
This year, we did something different.
And we loved it.
Recently I have been so challenged with living like a follower of Jesus. To be a disciple who makes disciples. To live my life with intention and purpose in everything I do. I've come to realize that God didn't save me for me. He saved me for His glory, to bring His kingdom to earth. And so I am going to try, with His grace, and the power of the Holy Spirit to follow His son Jesus. One of my favorite "quotes" that I took away from a recent weekend leadership retreat was, "Live in such a way that demands a gospel explanation." I want my love to be so surprising to people that the only way it can be explained is by what Jesus has done for me.
And so, what we decided to do on Halloween came out of reading this blog post although the idea was not new to me. We decided to set up a warming station on our driveway. We set up a tent, coffee, hot chocolate with mini marshmallows, and homemade cookies. And we gave out candy too. Our whole neighborhood came to us, and we were able to meet neighbors (I ran inside after each one we met and wrote down their names and where they lived so I wouldn't forget) we didn't know and generally just have a really fun time. We had a great response from people, and we'll definitely be doing it again next year. I even got a phone number from a young mom looking to have a playdate. I'm just so thrilled about seeing God work and being a part of it... and all it took was being obedient to the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and some Handy cookies!:)
Unfortunately I forgot to take any pictures of our little "set-up", but here is one of my littles in costume.
This year, we did something different.
And we loved it.
Recently I have been so challenged with living like a follower of Jesus. To be a disciple who makes disciples. To live my life with intention and purpose in everything I do. I've come to realize that God didn't save me for me. He saved me for His glory, to bring His kingdom to earth. And so I am going to try, with His grace, and the power of the Holy Spirit to follow His son Jesus. One of my favorite "quotes" that I took away from a recent weekend leadership retreat was, "Live in such a way that demands a gospel explanation." I want my love to be so surprising to people that the only way it can be explained is by what Jesus has done for me.
And so, what we decided to do on Halloween came out of reading this blog post although the idea was not new to me. We decided to set up a warming station on our driveway. We set up a tent, coffee, hot chocolate with mini marshmallows, and homemade cookies. And we gave out candy too. Our whole neighborhood came to us, and we were able to meet neighbors (I ran inside after each one we met and wrote down their names and where they lived so I wouldn't forget) we didn't know and generally just have a really fun time. We had a great response from people, and we'll definitely be doing it again next year. I even got a phone number from a young mom looking to have a playdate. I'm just so thrilled about seeing God work and being a part of it... and all it took was being obedient to the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and some Handy cookies!:)
Unfortunately I forgot to take any pictures of our little "set-up", but here is one of my littles in costume.
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