Where I'm At...

It's been awhile, I know. I've been struggling for multiple reasons, but mostly because of this...

Relationships are hard. Some are super hard. And then some of the super hard ones are even a million times harder. I would frankly just love to run away from those kind of relationships and never look back and yet, because of certain life circumstances, I'm just not able.

I have been hurt beyond repair in this particular relationship. I've chosen to forgive, even perhaps trust a little again, only to be hurt all over again, and again, and again. It's exhausting.

This would be the reason that I struggle. The reason I can't bring myself to even read my Bible or utter more than a prayer of thanks for our food. I'm being stubborn. I'm being disobedient because I actually think that it's better than what God would ask of me. I so badly want to hold onto my hurt, anger, and resentment because letting it go, giving in, and forgiving feels like I'm saying, "You're right. You win." I feel like it makes what was said and done, okay.

And I don't need a lecture on forgiveness or letting go, because I know. Do I ever know. In fact, this week I did actually get out my Bible knowing what I needed to do to get to where I truly want to be which is in a right relationship with God. And guess what? I mean, you shouldn't be surprised, because I sure wasn't... I opened up my Bible to this passage: "But if you are willing to listen, I say love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you."

So guess what I did? Shut my bible. Ha! Like that makes it any less true, or directed at me, right? But I did. That's not what I wanted to hear, to pray for the happiness of those that hurt me. Do you know how badly I was hurt?

So back I go to Jesus, who is the truth, the truth that sets me free. And He DIED for ME. For my sins, all my sins, past, present, and future. He also died for my enemies too.

And today, I read in my bible this passage, "...you must be even more careful to put into action God's saving work in your lives, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases Him." Well, thank you God for that. I knew it was Him working in me giving me the desire to obey Him with this issue (there is NO way that desire came from me :)), and I'm so so thankful that I can only do it by His power.

And so, one day (maybe more like one minute) at a time, I will choose to follow that desire to obey God and rely on His power to do what pleases Him. And pray desperately that each time I must come face to face with this relationship in our lives that I don't have a true panic attack.

Next time will be a more positive note, just needed to get that off of my chest.